Ask three people you spend a lot of time with the same question: When you’re upset, is there anything I can do that would help you feel calmer?
“Particularly in romantic partnerships, we intuitively understand the importance of keeping our cool. Without this ability, relationships are at best rocky and unstable, and at worst volatile and even violent.
Self-regulation is certainly important, but it’s a bit of a myth, at least the way we often think of it. So far as I can tell, there is no such thing as “pure self-regulation.” The truth is that we learn to self-regulate to the extent we were co-regulated as children, and we continue to affect one another’s biologies throughout our lives. “